Saturday, August 3, 2013

HUDDLE POST (4): QUARTER-BOOK LIFE CRISIS.


This past few months I've been thinking hard about my intentions for book blogging. Well, it is really one of the few things I *used* to enjoy doing because I love the feeling of being busy typing thoughts on my laptop and sharing it with people who actually visit my blog and I love writing (literally, like doodling, coloring or word art). I TOTALLY LOVE THE FEELING OF ACCOMPLISHMENT especially when bloggers talk to me about whatever nonsense I post. I've read a ton of blog posts about this said topic and I can't do anything but agree. What made me post this, you ask? I don't know. I just feel like I have to vent or worse, stop blogging altogether.

At first, I was so into it. As in so involved in everything about what book blogging requires. I even tried to teach myself about basic HTML and Photoshop so I could just make this page the way I wanted it to appear. I was blinded my those shiny paperbacks that murdered my savings account which I allowed to happen. Just like you people, I've given this .0000000001% (or less) of the internet space so much time and love. Along the way however, I feel like am leaving behind what motivated me at first. Am not sure if I'm even making sense here but my fingers wouldn't stop typing. As I continue to book blog, its as if am easily envious and I start to question people or easily get half-hearted with what I do. It maybe true that book blogging is turning me into this sensitive person I never thought I would be (am just afraid to admit it I guess) that whenever I visit my favorite blogs (I visit them every single time I get the chance), there's this sadness in my heart that my blog will never be like theirs. When that hits me over and over again, I don't know, it hurts.

I tried to reason out to myself that this thing should be fun. It is and as a matter of fact, the problem is simply ME. I don't see things the way I used to which makes me divert the blame to my blog. My attention is almost always focused on the numbers on the blog. My Facebook page likes go from 199 to 200 to 197 to 195 back to 199 and gets stuck there for a while. There are awesome bloggers I know that started the same time as I did and their followers now are around 1000 and mine is 200 plus (not that am complaining, just citing an example). As I type this, I lost another follower that led me to asking again, what do I have to do to gain this certain amount of readers? Do I have to change my blog theme? Do I have to change the format of my posts? Should I host giveaways and blog tours every month? I understand that I will never convince and force people to follow me or like my blog, but if am going to be as honest here then let me be thorough with it, I wanted to gain readers. Why? For ARCs? For being a legit blogger? For being established? For the fame? NO. I want readers because through readers I know this thing that am doing matters. But blogging for more than a year now doesn't show that I've improved at all. Worst part? These numbers didn't bother me in the past and it didn't matter before but now, all of a sudden, it just does.

There was even a point when I told myself am okay with the blog stats. I tried focusing on helping lovely authors in promoting their books and just kept on reading and reviewing. But still I wasn't satisfied. Am I becoming greedy? Probably. Which is scary. This isn't what I wanted to be. And when these pubs rejected (no email replies yet) my galley requests (which is totally INEVITABLE), the sadness tripled. Ugh, pathetic right? Am also becoming paranoid that this one book blogger I used to look up to makes me feel like she's shoving to my face how established she is. Like "Huh, I can just request those books you are dying to get and I will easily get approved plus I have contacts" effect. I know am so unreasonable. I am still trying to fight this "illness" I acquired hence this blog post. Maybe I just couldn't accept the ugly truth that my blog is moving as slow as a turtle and am really not happy with it.

I will forever be grateful that I allowed myself to start this page because if it wasn't for this blog, I wouldn't have met such lovely bloggers and authors, I wouldn't have been invited to blogger's conferences and I wouldn't have been sent fantastic ARCs. Wishes granted. But I just wanted to feel what inspired me to start this blog in the first place and not become someone I don't want to be. Giving up this blog shouldn't even be on my To-Do list but its becoming tiresome. The joy isn't here anymore. Where did it go? What did I do wrong?

I guess you are all saying that I have to start changing my perspective and just enjoy. Yeap, I am trying. Maybe I need a breather. I don't know.

Am I the only one like this out there? Can someone else relate to me? I hope am the only one who feels this because I feel horrible.

16 comments:

  1. This is so sad to hear, Kate. :/ I just started book blogging not later than 2 months ago, and so far, I enjoy meeting new people!
    -Don't think that other blogs are better than yours. Think that your blog is better than others. :)
    -And yes, the pleasure of this all is being able to share your feelings, rants, and ramblings regarding books, as well as meeting new friends who share your passion. All the stats and ARCs and others should only be bonuses of this.

    :) All the best,
    Kyle @ Selkie Reads Stories

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    1. No Kyle, it would be wrong to say that my blog is better than anyone else's. Sorry. But yes you are right, meeting friends is such a reward.

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  2. I'm not sure if I am qualified to say this but I think it would help not to compare your blogs to others. My blog isn't that known either but I'm happy with the few followers I have. After all I started blogging alone, and I created my blog not really for fame, free books or anything. It's not even a book blog before and just turned to be one. I guess you just have to remind your self what really got you into book blogging, what are the things you enjoy about doing all these stuffs. There are more important things than stats and ARCs.

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    1. Am not sure how would I actually feel about your comment Cai because one thing I could say, you got my post wrong.

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  3. I can feel you, but I constantly remind myself that my blog is not about the stats I have. I created my blog so that I can have 'someone' to talk to about books. I don't even know there are other privileges of being a blogger aside from having a confidante. Don't mind your stats and remember that you make your followers happy, and you inspire other readers through your posts. Cheer up! ;)

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    1. Thank you for reminding me. I needed to hear this again.

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  4. I get you! I do look at numbers a lot, but recently I've been getting print ARCs I request from publishers and that made me really proud of myself and my blog :) Even though I do know bloggers who have a greater following than me even though they started around the same time, I feel envious sometimes but I let it go because I remind myself that I blog for me, not for others :)
    I guess if you think about why you began blogging in the first place, you'll feel better?

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    1. Yeah, that's one of the reasons why I posted this... to step back and relax a little :)

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  5. Hi ate Kate, I somehow can relate, I envy other bloggers who has nice blogs and they can really express everything they wanted to say, for short PRO and I am still a beginner with few followers and I want many followers so I try harder even if I don't have time anymore. I actually don't know what to do to gain more followers but I still continue posting reviews because that's what I wanted to do. and I want to help the authors to advertise their books. Another thing that makes me sad sometimes is when I am trying to get ARCs or book requests and got rejected, I sometimes envy you too because you always given a chance to get ARC, but then you told me before that I should just keep posting reviews, so that's what I did. I know one day I can get ARCs too and get the books that I want. Another, I was thinking that I need help with my blog coz I'm having a hard time to update this, but I told myself that I can do it and I will try harder.

    My point here is don't give up, if you want help in your blog regarding to designs maybe I can help you. :) Please continue blogging, you knew from the start that you're my inspiration. I did my first ever serious blog because of you coz I got inspired the way you express your thoughts.

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    1. First of all, dont blog just because of ARCs. Just dont. Its just a bonus.

      Second thing, you can always ask me if u need help.

      Lastly, thank you so so much Milly. It means a lot to me. Hopefully, I can keep up and still be an inspiration to you.

      Keep it up! ;)

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  6. Don't worry, I'm sure you are not the only one out there, in fact, my blog as been up for a little over a year now and it is very very slowly getting followers. I know it can be frustrating but just remember that numbers aren't everything. I have a few close blogging buddies that are always commenting on my posts, so I know there are some people I'm reaching too and some is better than none. Keep your chin up because it will get better. I hope you start enjoying blogging again. Taking a break might help. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you Kay!! i might schedule a break soon! ♥

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  7. First of all, I want you to know that you are the one of the main reason or shall I say one of the persons who influenced me into making a book blog. Yes, I am speaking of the truth. You might say that you're blog is "like this and like that and that there are other blogs much better than yours" but for me, yours is if not the best then one of the best for me. Before I decided to start blogging, I always visit your blog just to lurk on it. I read anything and look at everything on it. I even went and read your reviews on your first blog (your Tumblr). And just look at the pictures of your new books. Okay, I might sound a bit of a creeper but really, no need to be creeped out by my lurking. :] I always enjoy reading your posts because if not all then almost all of the books you loved, I also love. And we have the same taste in books. It's as if like I found my book sister. :] In fact, I always check your reviews (if ever you've reviewed it) about the books I wanna read before buying a copy and if you don't like it then I will not buy it or delay buying it. You have that kind of influence to me.

    If you decided to take a break in blogging then honestly, I WILL BE SAD. But that doesn't mean I'm against to the idea of you taking a break. Because if you really need it then who am I to stop you from taking your well deserved break? I'm just your avid lurker. Lol. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, I understand your point because I've been there though not in a blogging sense (in a completely different area but still the same feeling. ugh. you get what I'm trying to say?). Just don't give up, please. Always remember that no matter how many followers you lose, I will always be here ... lurking on your blog. Hahaha. I am creeping you out, am I? :] God bless. And hope you'll overcome the phase you are going through right now. Stay strong!



    Your avid lurker,
    Alyssa ^^,

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    1. I wanna cry!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH ALYSSA!! i have never thought that someone would actually like my blog! Thank you because now, I know, this matters not only to me but to you! I promise I would strive to be better! Thank you again!! *finally cries*

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    2. It's my pleasure, Kate! :]

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