This past few months I've been thinking hard about my intentions for book blogging. Well, it is really one of the few things I *used* to enjoy doing because I love the feeling of being busy typing thoughts on my laptop and sharing it with people who actually visit my blog and I love writing (literally, like doodling, coloring or word art). I TOTALLY LOVE THE FEELING OF ACCOMPLISHMENT especially when bloggers talk to me about whatever nonsense I post. I've read a ton of blog posts about this said topic and I can't do anything but agree. What made me post this, you ask? I don't know. I just feel like I have to vent or worse, stop blogging altogether.
At first, I was so into it. As in so involved in everything about what book blogging requires. I even tried to teach myself about basic HTML and Photoshop so I could just make this page the way I wanted it to appear. I was blinded my those shiny paperbacks that murdered my savings account which I allowed to happen. Just like you people, I've given this .0000000001% (or less) of the internet space so much time and love. Along the way however, I feel like am leaving behind what motivated me at first. Am not sure if I'm even making sense here but my fingers wouldn't stop typing. As I continue to book blog, its as if am easily envious and I start to question people or easily get half-hearted with what I do. It maybe true that book blogging is turning me into this sensitive person I never thought I would be (am just afraid to admit it I guess) that whenever I visit my favorite blogs (I visit them every single time I get the chance), there's this sadness in my heart that my blog will never be like theirs. When that hits me over and over again, I don't know, it hurts.
I tried to reason out to myself that this thing should be fun. It is and as a matter of fact, the problem is simply ME. I don't see things the way I used to which makes me divert the blame to my blog. My attention is almost always focused on the numbers on the blog. My Facebook page likes go from 199 to 200 to 197 to 195 back to 199 and gets stuck there for a while. There are awesome bloggers I know that started the same time as I did and their followers now are around 1000 and mine is 200 plus (not that am complaining, just citing an example). As I type this, I lost another follower that led me to asking again, what do I have to do to gain this certain amount of readers? Do I have to change my blog theme? Do I have to change the format of my posts? Should I host giveaways and blog tours every month? I understand that I will never convince and force people to follow me or like my blog, but if am going to be as honest here then let me be thorough with it, I wanted to gain readers. Why? For ARCs? For being a legit blogger? For being established? For the fame? NO. I want readers because through readers I know this thing that am doing matters. But blogging for more than a year now doesn't show that I've improved at all. Worst part? These numbers didn't bother me in the past and it didn't matter before but now, all of a sudden, it just does.
There was even a point when I told myself am okay with the blog stats. I tried focusing on helping lovely authors in promoting their books and just kept on reading and reviewing. But still I wasn't satisfied. Am I becoming greedy? Probably. Which is scary. This isn't what I wanted to be. And when these pubs rejected (no email replies yet) my galley requests (which is totally INEVITABLE), the sadness tripled. Ugh, pathetic right? Am also becoming paranoid that this one book blogger I used to look up to makes me feel like she's shoving to my face how established she is. Like "Huh, I can just request those books you are dying to get and I will easily get approved plus I have contacts" effect. I know am so unreasonable. I am still trying to fight this "illness" I acquired hence this blog post. Maybe I just couldn't accept the ugly truth that my blog is moving as slow as a turtle and am really not happy with it.
I will forever be grateful that I allowed myself to start this page because if it wasn't for this blog, I wouldn't have met such lovely bloggers and authors, I wouldn't have been invited to blogger's conferences and I wouldn't have been sent fantastic ARCs. Wishes granted. But I just wanted to feel what inspired me to start this blog in the first place and not become someone I don't want to be. Giving up this blog shouldn't even be on my To-Do list but its becoming tiresome. The joy isn't here anymore. Where did it go? What did I do wrong?
I guess you are all saying that I have to start changing my perspective and just enjoy. Yeap, I am trying. Maybe I need a breather. I don't know.
Am I the only one like this out there? Can someone else relate to me? I hope am the only one who feels this because I feel horrible.